A man is walking through the desert, and gets attacked by a hyena. “God, save me!” he cries out. And God strikes the hyena dead with a lightning bolt.
The man continues on his way, but soon is attacked by a wolf. “God, save me!” he cries out once again. And God strikes the wolf dead with lightning.
The man continues on his way, and is attacked a third time, by a lion. “God, save me! Kill the lion!” the man cries out. And God replies, “I can’t.”
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For reasons I don't understand, Homs is the most-mocked city in Syria. It's like West Virginia. When the Syrian uprising spread to Homs, my friends dug out all their old Homs jokes.
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A man from Homs went to the doctor. The doctor told him, “For your health, you should walk five kilometers every day.” Ten days later, the doctor received a phone call from the same Homsian. “I’m in Aleppo. What do I do now?”
(I like this joke mostly because I know enough Arabic to tell it in Arabic.)
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How many devils does it take to tempt a Homsian? Four – one to seduce him to an evil deed, and three to explain the evil deed to him.
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A long, long time ago, the people of Homs were at war with a nearby city. Inexplicably, fire and heavy objects were falling on Homs from the sky. “How are they doing that?” the Homsians wondered. So they sent some spies to find out. In the enemy city, they saw a long, black cylinder that the enemies were loading up with gunpowder, explosives and heavy balls. “We gotta get one of those – only bigger!” they decided. So in the main square of Homs, they built a giant cylinder and filled it with as much gunpowder and heavy objects as they could find. All the people gathered to watch the attack and celebrate their victory. The match was lit, the cylinder exploded, and the entire town of Homs was laid waste.
The few surviving Homsians gazed open-mouthed upon the destruction. Finally, one of them turned to his friend and said, "Wow. Just imagine what it did to the other town!"
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There was a big lottery in Homs last week, the biggest in Homs’ history. The winner received one Syrian pound a day for the next million years!
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An American, A Frenchman, a Lebanese man and a Syrian are in a plane that’s damaged and losing altitude fast. The pilot yells, “Quick! Throw off anything you can bear to part with! We need to lose weight!”
The American throws a bag full of money out of the plane, saying, “I have plenty of money, I don’t need this.”
The Frenchman throws a box of cheese out of the plane. “I have plenty of cheese,” he says. “I don’t need this.”
The Lebanese man grabs the Syrian and throws him out of the plane. “We have plenty of Syrians,” he says. “I don’t need this.”
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(This joke starting spreading after Mubarak was toppled in Egypt.)
"Did you hear? A bishop was thrown into prison yesterday."
"What? Why?"
"He was walking around throwing holy water on everything, shouting, 'Mubarak! Mubarak!'"
(Explanation: "Mubarak" is the Arabic word for "blessed." Syrian priests and bishops really do use it that way in their rites.)
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A guy, who always makes laugh about people in Homes travelled to Makkah to do the pilgrimage and when he was there and in front of Kaaba, he prays : Oh god, I promise you that I will never make jokes about Homes anymore, but I swear, they themselves always make things that make me laugh, at the same moment somebody did tap on the shoulder of that guy and said in a Homsian accent: brother I wanna pray, but I do not know how is the direction of Qibla, do you ?
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